911: used and abused

Before leaving the workforce and returning to college full-time, I spent eight years as a 911 operator. A local newspaper reporter and I were once going to team up and write an exposé of the public abuse of the 911 system, but my then-supervisor quickly dismissed the idea because, in his view, abuse "isn't that big of a problem."

That is easy to say when you're not the one sitting in the communications center for 12 hours dealing with it.

Out of compassion for dispatchers everywhere, it is time to say some things that have long needed to be said. 911 is for emergencies only.

It is not to find out if your favorite officer is on duty; to inquire if some useless relative is in jail; if the police have a warrant for your arrest or to report power outages. Yes, these are all inconveniences, but hardly emergencies.

Do not call 911 to ask for the number to the jail or anywhere else. It is not 411. The nine and the four are diagonal from each other on totally opposite sides of the keypad. No matter how hard you try, you are not going to hit the nine by mistake when going for the four.

A frequent response to "911" is "I've got the wrong number." No, 911 is only three numbers, and for a wrong number you need at least four more.

As equally unfathomable as the whole wrong number bit, is the outright denial.

"I didn't call 911."

You obviously did, or I wouldn't have answered and said "911."

"This ain't really an emergency…" is another oft-quoted comeback. You don't really need to call 911 then, do you? "…But I didn't know who else to call."

Dispatchers are not God, Dr. Phil or Abigail Van Buren. If anything other than a crime, fire or serious medical problem is on your mind, then 911 is not the number for you.

"This ain't really an emergency…" is often followed by "but I tried to call the other number (the non-emergency line), and didn't nobody answer."

Well, "didn't nobody" call because I was sitting right there the whole time, and the phone never rang, so you obviously didn't try too hard. To the dispatcher, this is just another way of saying "I'm too lazy to look the number up in the phone book."

Also, when calling 911, the first thing out of your mouth should never be "How are you doing?" If you are calling 911, yours or someone else's life and/or property should be in grave danger; a roaring blaze should be consuming everything in sight; or you or someone else should be in agonizing pain and/or close to death. In any case, the welfare of the dispatcher is not germane to the situation, nor should you care who answers so long as someone does.

"Who's speaking?" is another frequent response to "911." Tell me what that has to do with anything? If straits are so dire that I need to call 911, I really don't care to whom I am speaking as long as they send me some help.

More than once a shift, a dispatcher is treated to "Can I ask you a question?" You just did. Another response is, "This might be a stupid question…" If you feel compelled to say that, then it most likely is. Someone may be trying to call the police while hiding in their closet from an axe murderer, and you're tying up the 911 line with a question you know is stupid to begin with.

The 911 number, being for emergencies only, is apparently a mind-boggling concept.

Webster defines an emergency as "an unforeseen combination of circumstances or the resulting state that calls for immediate action" and "an urgent need for assistance or relief."

Per Webster, none of the aforementioned constitutes an emergency. Other occurrences such as reporting larceny days after the fact, and car accidents from two weeks ago (because your insurance company wants a report), are not emergencies either.

Finally, though I could write an entire book on this subject, the most annoying fingernails-on-the-blackboard response to "911" for a dispatcher is, "I hate to bother you…"

Then don't.

This writer can be contacted at opinion@theeastcarolinian.com