Pirate Rants

I could hear the girl that lives above me having sex at 3 am. It was rhythmically off beat and lasted for three minutes. I feel sorry for her.

To the couple in my 2 p.m. Short Story class: Why do y'all write notes to one another during class? We are not in high school anymore. Grow up!

A request for all the girls: please tape your phone conversations with your friends, listen to how many times you say the word "like", and then please seriously think about expanding your vocabulary.

I can tell by your light-up stripper heels that you have impeccable taste.

It amazes me how I can send and spell text messages correctly when I am blackout drunk.

How come the one person I wanted to only make out with on Halloween night makes it a big deal and starts talking about his relationship that he just got out of....just shut up and kiss me!

Why is it every time I see you on campus I always look like I just rolled out of a ditch, shot up some heroin, and haven't slept in 3 days? It isn't fair.

Am I the only person that absolutely despises the word "uber"?

I texted my ex-boyfriend while I was severely intoxicated Halloween Night...worst idea of my life.

To the girl in my Stats class that I always catch glimpsing at me: I want to ask you "to study," but I would feel awkward if things didn't work.

Q: How much do pirates pay to get their ears pierced? A: A Buck-an-ear.

There's this kid in my anthropology class that looks EXACTLY like the little boy in Jumanji... after he turns into the monkey.

Please let me know if you have a girlfriend. I hate finding out via Facebook. It just makes you look like a flirting jerk.

My favorite thing about going to the gym...watching all the guys looking at themselves in the mirror, lifting weights. Thanks for making me laugh everyday.

Did major car manufacturers start making the turn-signal an optional add-on for cars in this town? I've seen better driving from 8-year-olds in Power Wheels.

I can't believe one of my friends finally had her first kiss Halloween Night

How can people actually like Twilight? I thought it was the most boring emo-vamp movie ever. The only things that are supposed to sparkle in sunlight are unicorns and faeries.

Out of habit, I punched the person sitting next to me on the bus when I saw a VW Beetle. It would have gone much better if I actually knew them!

Some girls need to watch He's Not That Into You and take a hint already!

When a guy asked a sorority girl selling pumpkin rolls what was in them, and her response was "Pumpkin and some other things."... a small piece of me died right there. There are things called food allergies, oh and common sense!

We found a pair of shoes in our refrigerator the morning after a party. How does this happen?

I would give the person in charge my kidney if they devoted more space to Pirate Rants in The East Carolinian. I'm A positive, just in case.

Every time I have an upset stomach, all I think about is "I'm only one stomach flu away from reaching my goal weight" and then I don't feel so bad about being on the toilet for 20 minutes.

Because of the massive rug burn you gave me on my back, I cringe at the thought of having sex on the floor.

Atten ECU: This is Pirate country, not Zombie land. If you want to dress up grab an eye patch and a sword... leave this zombie non-sense at home.

Why is Santa so jolly? He knows where all the bad girls live!

Why do people insist on using the word "mines" in their vocabulary? My guess, to make themselves sound really dumb and uneducated.

Dear roomie, Please stop with the deadly silent farts, it doesn't help that your fan is blowing the contaminated air in my direction. Sincerely, Your suffocated roommate

Why would I burn you with my cigarette, I don't even know you...oh, and I don't smoke.

To whoever vandalized the sculpture at the Art Building: KARMA. We work too hard for your immaturity. I bet you have a small penis.

I got a 66 on my accounting test. I turned the paper upside-down and felt a little better.

Why is it everyone that's ever been in porn, is a pornstar? Aren't there any average porn actors, not just stars?

It makes me smile seeing port-o-potties being lined up in parking lots. GAME DAY! GO PIRATES!!

To the kids running around shooting people with Nerf guns: I wish I had an easy major to where I had that much free time.

To the girl who gave me her parking space in PCove without a fight: Thanks, I really appreciated being able to park in front of my building without having to fight someone who doesn't live here.

Come to Collide Sunday nights 6 p.m. at Rumors!