Pirate Rants

Have you ever seen an ugly Asian girl? I mean, seriously, I'm moving to Japan.

I'm sorry I wrote that song saying I love you. Can we at least be friends again?

That was just weird. I should probably cut down on the drugs.

You know I'm amazing and you want to have my babies.

If you think that taking a 15-minute shower every Wednesday makes up for the fact that you don't shower for the rest of the week ... you are sooo WRONG! Smell yourself for a change.

Dear roommate, I am sorry that my family does not like you much ... but maybe if you didn't try to start so much drama, they might.

Again, how childish are you that we can't have the same friends?

I know there's tall, grande and venti, but what do you say when you just want the coffee in an IV drip?

To the person who asked, "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" The egg came first. It belonged to a fish. Pick up a biology book and read the chapters about evolution.

To the blonde guy in my personal finance class: Stop being so hot. It's driving me crazy!

My roommate's dog barks ALL the time. If it doesn't stop, I am selling it on eBay!

It's too bad you're not like all the other guys. Sometimes I really just want to have sex with you and be done with it.

My friend told me I was his own personal brand of heroin. Does that mean he can't get enough of me but at the same time I am ruining his life?

My fellow Somalians, why aren't you saying "arghh" when you take over those ships?

So today, I saw a guy driving on the wrong side of the road at 12 in the afternoon ... nice.

What do hotdogs without buns have to do with car insurance?

My friends told me that I should go to rehab. I was like… the lounge or the real one?

Can a red-green color blind person ever truly experience Valentine's Day and Saint Patrick's Day?

I overheard two girls on the bus talking about how excited they were for Easter ... because Lent was over and they could drink again. God bless 'em.

As I was sitting down, not listening to my general chemistry professor, I thought about hydrogen. You know, hydrogen is such a whore. It will bind with any thing!

My No. 1 sex fantasy is to do it in a church. I figure I can kill two birds with one stone, get it on and repent for my sins so I won't go to hell.

Girls always say they want a good man, but when they finally get one, they leave them for the same old trash they have been with and go back to fighting every day.

I know it is getting warm outside, but some girls should still cover up!

I've been to class twice this semester and I'm passing with a 'B.' Get off my back about my absences. There's no point in coming now.

I went to a sushi bar the other day. They have a roll called "We found Nemo." I vote best restaurant ever.

Yes, we drank half of your vodka. And yeah, then we poured water in it. I'll replace it, but I'll never admit it just because you would love to be able to whine about it.

One tequila, two tequila, three keteela, floor!

This weekend I went home and got drunk at a party. My mom picked me up at 2:30 a.m. and said she's glad ECU taught me to hold my alcohol. She didn't want throw up in her new car.

To the girl who always eats Hershey Kisses in CDFR: We don't give a damn about your problems and I hope you choke on one!

FYI: You pouring your plastic water bottles into a reusable one does not help the environment.

Hard is: Running away from you and ducking behind trees and bushes. Easy is: Writing a rant telling you I don't like you. Leave me alone!

Roommate: It is not polite to not be around all weekend then show up Sunday night and expect me to turn off all the lights and TV just because you need to sleep off your hangover for your 8 a.m. class.

I saw these two guys wearing sunglasses that were made out of wood. They looked really cool. Where do I get a pair?

My dad smacked me upside my head when I said, "Well, if there is a God ... he's kind of a deadbeat. I mean, we only hear from him once every few thousand years." I still stand by my statement ... but dang, my head hurts.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?

Leopard print is my new favorite color.

To all of the people outside of the Wright Place who hand out flyers in the morning: STOP! I do not like dealing with people in the morning and I especially do not like being stalked.

Here is a tip, honey: Do not wear the "I'm with stupid" shirt if you are alone.

Ummm ...what is wrong with camel toes? I like 'em.

Am I the only guy that walks around and identifies potential porn stars?

I really love your peaches. I wanna shake your tree.

I would rather put my arm in a wood chipper than sit in my three-hour English class every Monday.

Who says you can't buy love and friendship? Greek life all the way!