Pirate Rants

My roommate came home drunk the other night and kidnapped my dog. When she woke up in the morning, she didn't remember what happened and was naked from the waist down. I hope she didn't take advantage of my beautiful boxer.

I woke up this morning and realized it was thunder storming outside, looked at weather.com, and there was a tornado warning for Greenville. ECU didn't cancel class!

My dear roommate: GET YOUR OWN INTERNET CORD. You are on my computer more than I am, and it's annoying.

My roommate and I have always thought smokers were stupid. The two girls that set the planter outside the SRC on fire ... you just proved it.

I'm not going to call him dad. EVEN IF THERE'S A FIRE!

I'm sorry I slept on my most recent ex's couch (that you don't even know exists) on Friday night and told you I slept at home, babe. But, I'm glad I got to spend the next two days with you.

Why is it that the couple that sits in front of me in chemistry insists on fighting the entire hour of class? SHUT UP! P.S. You are just plain mean to him!

Dude! Flo Rida's name spells FLORIDA! Holy crap!

To the Brunette in Aycock: PLEASE wear looser pants because every time I see you, you always have a camel toe.

ECU wireless has a bad case of bipolar.

To the guy that sits next to me in history: You're really creepy with your beard. And you smell. Take a shower, please. It makes a 50-minute class seem like three hours.

My college dream is to one day, while tapping on the desk, have everyone in the class join in, adding their own unique flavor, and create one crazy-sounding beat ... SO, if you're down, and you're lucky enough to be in my class, please join in next time! Not to mention the professor's reaction would be priceless!

I never said I was a role model.

I think we should change the PeeDee statue to a Somali pirate.

FYI my dear ECU: Using all plastic and Styrofoam utensils/plates/cups as a "go green" effort on Sundays pretty much defeats the purpose.

I had a beautiful dream that I didn't have a roommate. Then I woke up, rolled over, looked across the dorm room, cussed a little and tried to get back to sleep.

To all the dads bringing their daughters to open house on campus: Yes, yes, I will sleep with half of them their first semester here at ECU and the rest the second half.

Has anyone found a penny with the free buffet to CiCi's? Because I think it's a lie to get people like me to look like an idiot and walk around looking for pennies!

To the girl who peed her pants at Distillery and took them off to make her shirt a dress: That is NOT OK.

I would like to formally accredit my misery to this lovely pollen. Thank you.

I want to open up a 24-hour Little White Chapel downtown like they have in Vegas … I would make millions!

Hey baby, you like fine cooking? Cause you know what? I got a Swanson's dinner in the freezer with your name on it!

I asked an Austin lab worker if there was a stack of TEC nearby. This idiot thought I was talking about a stack of technicians. Has he really never heard of anyone call it TEC? I explained to him what I meant, and he responded by scoffing at me and telling me that no one calls it TEC.

It makes me so mad because I work my BUTT off and you never come to class, but because you go to his "office hours," you'll make an 'A.'

When did muffin tops become acceptable? Isn't that something you should be ashamed of?

I met this girl the other day that said I was a really cool guy. So I asked her if she wanted to hang out -- like go out to dinner and a movie or something. She said she didn't like me. I called her a lesbian.

I saw a girl waddling to class yesterday. I wonder what happened to her last night.

To the person who left me a nasty note in the freshman lot about my parking: Be a little nicer next time.

To whoever said they want someone to make them a fake parking sticker: DON'T do it! I did it last year and it cost me a felony!

I love how ECU gives caps and gowns as a courtesy to the many students that pay tuition here, but charge all the smart ones eight bucks for honors cords. Doesn't pay to be smart.

If you live in Jones and suck at playing the piano, don't play it when people are trying to do homework.

I have to do an internship this fall before ECU will let me graduate. So are they going to force companies to hire me in this bad economy?

Welcome back to reality, Phillies fans. Getting beat by the Braves is a great way to defend your championship.

Shouldn't I receive six credit hours if I have to show up to your class AND participate constantly on Blackboard?

Ignoring you on a regular basis and never accepting your invitations to go out does not mean you should keep trying. Please stop. You're creeping me out.

My friend got drunk and told me about her sex dream. Then she asked me to make a Pirate Rant for it. Here you go.

Whoever is in charge of course descriptions should add "bug catching" to biology lab 1201.

Facebook, Pirate Rants and sex are my three passions in life.

Every time the train with its horn goes by College Hill, I think about "The Price Is Right." Ladies, do I have one number right? Yes, two numbers right. Horn ...

Every time I say I'm starving, I feel really bad. There's always this voice in the back of my head telling me that I'm just selfish and there are starving people all over the world. I'm a jerk.

The largest moneymaking industry in Somalia is piracy ... ARGHHHHH!

You think that when I hit your butt that it's "no-homo" playing around, but in fact ...

It's a matter of dollars and cents ... and I have enough sense to know that your dollars matter!