Pirate Rants

To Katie, the birthday girl: I hope you got the happy birthday wish that was written everywhere in chalk.

It has come to my attention that once you have drunken sex with your boyfriend while your roommate is "sleeping," things can never go back to normal.

Sometimes, when I'm sitting in my astronomy class, I daydream about being a character in "Sailor Moon." I hope my girlfriend never finds out.

I try to go to the library to get work done but this is now the third time someone decides to have a full phone conversation in Chinese in the next desk over.

Today I was in the gym working out. A grandma walked in ... she didn't have a bra on. Gravity had really taken its toll. Ewww!

If you were a printmaker, you would see Scott Avett. He still comes here and prints.

Help the Pirates fight cancer: Go to Relay For Life this weekend. Stimulate something besides your livers on Friday night!

I don't know what your momma taught you, but my momma taught me to never get in a car with a stranger.

I have to write an essay on the finer things in life. Can I interview you?

When I think about how you used me ... and your girlfriend breaking up with you, I secretly laugh to myself each time I see you. You deserve it!

Why do my friends come to me with their dating problems? I'm single, so obviously I can't keep a man!

I don't know what's worse, seriously contemplating bringing a six-pack to get through class or knowing I would finish it before the 50 minutes was up.

Aren't a drunk man's words a sober man's thoughts? So stop saying you don't remember what you said when I'm all you think about.

Clearly, the workers at Subway never learned what "a little mustard" meant ... I could fill an entire French's bottle with the mustard on my sub.

I was in the middle of making out and the guy stops and goes, "Do you think our pheromones go well together?"

The class average on tests in all my classes is failing ... is it the students? Or are the professors at ECU that bad?

It really gets on my nerves when I'm walking to my professor's office in Umstead and I have to watch out for dog crap. Dude, just clean it up.

Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off? One of life's great contemplations.

To the girl who nearly ran me over with her ugly Pee-wee Herman bike: I saw where you parked that hunk of metal. Look out.

To the creeper rubber neckin' in the gas station: No girl will ever talk to you if you stare stalker-style like that all the time.

I punch holes in walls and flip couches, so what?

GIRL, your camel toe is outrageous. Do us all a favor and pull down those Soffe shorts.

You know you're in G-Vegas when the drunk buses are more crowded than the regular buses you take to class.

To the girl who was giving out free hugs on Monday: I'm sorry I didn't come up, I was too nervous because you were so gorgeous.

When did baseball pants get longer and looser? Tighten them up, boys!

I wish that one of two things would happen. Either adult swim should start showing home movies at some time other than 5 a.m., or I should wake up to find that I magically have free DVR.

I can't declare my major because I can't do a pull-up. Seven-year plan here I come!

Winter is gone and I don't want to hibernate any more with you. Thanks for keeping me warm.

Getting trashed, locking yourself in a room and peeing in a bed are all great ways of trying to steal my boyfriend. Keep it up champ.

I wish I could transform all the sluts around here into ninjas. Make our campus safer.

To the guy in my health class that used the term "bust a load" during the anatomy lesson: Really? Grow the eff up, we're in college and you're not funny.

You asked me to watch your stuff in the library. And when you walked away, I ate all your candy.

No matter what they tell you, there is no sex in the Champagne Room.

You know what grinds my gears? The fact that I've only witnessed you brush your teeth once this entire school year. It's a mystery to me.

No, I like to rock n' roll all-night and "part" of every day. I usually have errands ... I can only rock from like one to three.

How ironic is Rihanna's new song "Emergency Room?" She only wishes she was that badass.

Roommate, you disgust me. Thank goodness I only have a month left, then I will never have to see your ugly face again.

Ketchup and beer ...Why? What's in your fridge?

I make up flirty Pirate Rants so that people find a boyfriend/girlfriend. I consider myself the Pirate Rant Matchmaker. You're welcome!

To the guy wearing the Norma Jean shirt and Elvis belt buckle on Tuesday: You are my hero.

My roommate confided in me that she had cheated on her boyfriend and caught "the clap" and had given it to him. I told her, congratulations; together you two have a round of applause.

Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel it.

Why is it called "after dark" when really it's "after light?"

My professors are being so slack on posting grades this semester!

To all the guys who are experiencing their first spring at ECU: Enjoy.

To the guy in the Norma Jean shirt: "Tool Academy" is open for recruits.