Pirate Rants

Don't you have a job to do? Why are you constantly in here yapping?

I think Miley Cyrus is hot. Does that make me a pedophile?

Why does maintenance have this short guy coming to change our filters to the AC? It was funny seeing him stand on his tippy toes.

I hate to get food at West End and then have to microwave it. Why can't you serve me HOT food?

NEWS FLASH: Top scientists have revealed that temperature is indirectly related to neck line and skirt length…Lets prove 'em right girls!

You know it's springtime when the angry hell-fire-preacher-man is out condemning all the ECU students to hell again.

To the guy who carried his girlfriend up the stairs at Copper Beech on Friday night: That was the cutest thing ever. She better love you!

The other day I had the strongest inclination to get drunk at 10 a.m., roll around and eventually pass out in the dirt and yell randomly. All to pretend like I was back in Panama City.

If all of life's problems were solved in such an epic fashion as mine, there would be world peace. Long live the rock, paper, scissors.

To the women of ECU: Check for me in your Easter basket. No, not the marshmallow bunny -- the milk chocolate one.

To the girl who hates on skinny girls: When we get on a machine next to you at the gym, WE DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU'RE THERE, much less try to make you look bigger. Take your own advice and stop eating cheeseburgers.

I think it's weird that it kinda freaks me out that my Facebook tab flashes "new message from Christ" when my friend Christopher sends me an IM.

The other day the preacher outside of Joyner revealed to me that the biggest whore on the cheerleading squad is always the one at the top. "She's only up there because she wants everyone to look up her skirt"... I never knew.

I'm 20 years old, and the sound of a fart still makes me laugh uncontrollably. Even if it's my own.

I just got an ECU alert of a car theft that gave the date as 3/19/08. Either ECU/Greenville police have a one-year lag time of releasing crime reports, or somebody is really bad at proofreading e-mails sent to 27,000 people.

Instead of breaking your neck to look at me, how about you walk over and say "hey" -- I promise I don't bite.

I wanna be faithful, but I can't keep my hands out of the cookie jar.

To the person on the second floor of Joyner last Monday: We heard you getting some and we're so glad that at least someone is having fun there at 12:45 a.m.

Talk about worst days ever ... Today, I fell walking down the steps in West End with all my food in my hands. Later, my OneCard fell out my back pocket and into the toilet ... after I had peed!

I love you to death, but you need to lay off of the bronzer. You look like someone threw dirt on your face.

To the girl in the white SUV who got pulled over in the Sheetz parking lot by two cop cars and two cops on bikes: I heard you call them rent-a-cops. Marry me, PLEASE!

Told someone I was from Seattle, Wash., and they asked if I had ever toured the White House. I'm worried about the students here.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

Why does everyone have to take everything so personally? CHILL OUT! RELAX! Stop living your lives so miserably.

To the short stop: I'm not cleat chaser, but I promise you I could make baseball practices seem like an easy workout! You can't handle THIS.

To the ugly friend: I like you because you make me look better by comparison. Love, the slutty friend.

To the (I'm guessing) girl who wrote about the on-campus tanning beds: I would take that dumb fountain any day over having to see more fake-tanned-orange-people walking around campus.

So I like to play with my own boobs. Is that such a crime?

You had like five of my dresses for six months and you're complaining about sweat pants? Grow up.

I met a homeless guy the other day who told me to have a great f***ing day ... what a nice guy.

Sarcasm should be considered a second language. I'd get all 'A's.'

To the guy who drove the Bellamy bus on Tuesday: You are so cute!

Today on the Bellamy bus, I overheard a girl talking about how tanning beds were NOT bad for you. That is a joke and whoever told you those stories about how it makes you lose weight is full of crap.

Q: What did the duck say to the elephant? A: Quack.

20280 on brick breaker ... read it and weep.

Eyes meet from across the room, down my drink as the rhythm booms.

Beer is my anti-drug.

Camel toes are not attractive.

To the girl in my statistics class: What's the probability that we hook up in the near future?

I hope the cops don't catch me riding dirty.

Why doesn't Scott Avett still go to ECU?

My life should be a movie.

No, I'm not easy. I am just willing.

I'm tired of wearing jeans, shoes and hoodies. When is half-naked season going to be here?

Free T.I.!

I HATE registration!