Pirate Rants

I was making good love to my woman last night when suddenly the bed broke. Thanks, Bellamy, for the mattress supported by sticks.

Butt scratcher? Butt scratcher? Butt scratcher! Butt scratcher!

To the guy outside of Joyner Library that almost ran into me on his bike: Thank you for saying excuse me, and by the way, when you looked at me, I thought your eyes were so gorgeous!

To the girl in my 2 p.m. sociology class who sits all the way in the back: Shut the f*** up! You only make yourself sound dumber and dumber every time you open your mouth.

I want my sweat pants back! You know who you are! Sweat pant stealer!

You don't know this now, but as soon as we don't have a class together anymore, you will know how I really feel about you ... and you will feel how I really feel about you when I punch you in the face.

My dream is to be a doctor. Thank you, D's and F's, for waking me up.

Dear Twilighters: Emmett is hotter than Edward. Betcha never heard that one, huh?

We just like to party, like to p-pa-party, yeah!

I vote next time, instead of a new fountain, we should go for ON-CAMPUS TANNING BEDS!

I love how my roommate laughs about Pirate Rants that I wrote about her and she doesn't even know it.

To the comment about girls not dancing at the club or refusing to dance with guys: I'm not drunk enough for you to look even close to cute enough to be grinding up on me. Check the mirror and stay home, and YOU watch Lifetime.

To the guy who can't find a girl: Not all of us want to have sex. Relationships are way better. Tu chica esta aqui!

Sometimes I think about what it would have been like if John Lennon had lived, and sometimes I worry that he would have made a terrible, terrible MTV "Unplugged" in 1992.

I have come to the conclusion that reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

To the girl playing volleyball on Thursday at 9 p.m.: I saw you run into the net. Thanks for the laugh.

To the girl in Wright Place talking about her father having cancer: I wasn't intentionally listening to your conversation, but I just want you to know that I am so sorry and I will pray for you and your family.

Bring back Sudoku! I have nothing to do in class now!

To the hot girl at Rehab on St. Patty's in the black and bright colored shirt: You were absolutely gorgeous without showing hardly any skin.

If you left your sunglasses on the Sunchase bus, I turned them into the driver ... I hope my karma improves.

Last week I saw a film … as I recall, it was a horror film.

If the moon were made of barbecue spare ribs, would you eat it? I know I would! Heck, I'd have seconds.

Diving is a sport. Just because you cannot do all the flips and are not flexible, don't hate!

To the kid in the gym with the sleeve on your head: Look in the mirror, douche!

You know the economy is bad when you go from a master's program to Medicaid! But try and keep your heads up, it has to get better!

To the girl that wants to marry me, the short stop: You couldn't handle this.

To the creepy guy that wants the girl on the 401 bus to follow him to his apartment: Get a girl on your own for once and quit with these fantasies. That's my girlfriend.

To the three girls who sit in the second row behind me in my PSYC 1000 class: All three of you are ridiculously hot! Please tell me at least one of you is single.

To the girl who sits in front of me: Stop leaning back when you're stretching! Your head and hands get like an inch away from my face! It makes me want to scream at you.

To the girl in my Tuesday and Thursday class that I pinched really hard on St. Patrick's Day for not wearing green: It felt so good to pinch you; I wish it was St. Patrick's Day every day!

CLEAT CHASER (noun): A promiscuous woman who follows athletes (baseball or football) usually on the college level, in the hopes of having intercourse with one or more of them. Yo, that girl is a cleat chaser. The whole team has slept with her.

If I hear one more person say "REALLY?" I'm going to scream. Is that cute?

I'm tired of Rants saying "speak to me next time" or "I hope I see you again next week." Forget that! You only live once! Grow a pair and ask him/her out the first time! They're interested!

The other day I went to the Student Rec Center and my OneCard did not work. The girl at the desk asked me for my Banner. So I say start with "00" and before I could finish, she interrupts me and says, "wait, start with B." Really? Only at ECU!

I bought a talking parrot. It never said it was hungry, so it died.

I just sat next to someone in class who was chewing tobacco. Come on. In class?

I deleted your Mii from my Wii. It's seriously over.

To the person who complained about paying for a DUI: You know what sucks more? Ending up in jail because you hurt someone because of your idiotic decision to drive drunk!

Question: How do drinks say on the ingredients that it has natural flavors if it also says no fruit juice? What is the natural flavor of? High fructose corn syrup?

Why is it that when you hook up with a guy they automatically think you want a relationship? What makes them think they were THAT intriguing to actually date?

To my "St. Patty's Day Guy": You're so sexy!

To the people who rap out loud while walking alone: You look dumb.

Seriously? Who steals doormats? Go buy your own!

Is it a new trend that people can walk into any class at any time while the professor is lecturing and they're not even in that class?

With all the animal print purses, cell phone covers, shoes, clothes and what not, campus is starting to look like some kind of jungle!

The only thing that kept me awake in biology this week was not my professor's riveting talk about the hole in the ozone layer, but wondering how much more marker he could smudge on his forehead!

You know in the movie "White Chicks" where the guy eats the quiche thing and then blows up the bathroom? Thank you to the girl in the next stall for reminding me of it! You had me running for my life!

To the couple outside my window early Saturday morning: I hope everything is better now.

To the pregnant girl walking around downtown Saturday night: You won't have any chance with the guys here. You're hands are full. Better go home and take care of that baby!

I used a pick-up line I heard on the Disney Channel and it actually worked. Thanks Zack and Cody.

I saw the dirty picture on your phone.

To the girl checking her three brackets in the bar on her cell phone: Two words--so sexy.

I spilled food all over the floor, put it back in the fridge, and never tried so hard to keep a straight face when I watched you eat it the next day.

I took Safe Ride back to my dorm last night. The guy drove like a maniac and then almost ran me over. I didn't feel very safe.