Pirate Rants

We know who threw the cup up on our balcony. You're not very sneaky. It's OK ... revenge is sweet.

Chris Brown, don't worry... I'd still bang you.

I can't wait for the new fountain at Wright Circle to finish, so I can pour bubble bath in it! Scrub-a-dub-dub.

I identify with the Irish for their love of beer and flannel!

To all the guys who think when girls stare at you for a long time that it means we think you're cute or something: It's not really you we're staring at, we actually look past you, so get over yourselves!

To the hot guy who sits next to me in statistics: We should make babies. They would be beautiful with your genes!

Sometimes I feel like I'm marrying a girl instead of a grown man!

Why must everyone continue asking me if my lip piercing hurt? NO DUH! I have a hole in my lip, what do you think?

Why do students walk around with cartoon backpacks? I thought we were in college, not Pre-K.

My boyfriend got night vision goggles for Christmas. Now all he wants to do is have sex in the dark.

I consider myself to be an ECU success story. I've managed to graduate in four years and I made it to 21 without any form of a drinking ticket.

Hovering the toilets in Bate is a game of strategy … loser gets Hepatitis.

Attention North Face Uggsluts: You are not fashionable. I am so glad the weather is changing so you have something different to wear.

To the girl whose life goal is to get on the Real World: Stop trying. You suck.

I think I was predestined to be a pervert.

All of the girls in my contacts have catchy nicknames like "Tiffany Tits" "Cammie Chronic" and "Casey Nocondom." That way I have no trouble remembering who is who.

To the freshman girl in my bowling class: You up for personal lessons?

Hey man, when you have to sleep on the couch while she takes over the room, it's time to KICK HER OUT!

Please tell me how I am expected to learn anything when my teacher admittedly makes at least four mistakes (because she didn't know how to do it right) a class and can't spell?

To the guy in the gym looking to talk to single girls: He is not my boyfriend. He is my personal trainer.

How did we not know he was using performance-enhancing drugs? His freaking face looked like a basketball! Thanks for giving people more reason to hate my Yankees.

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IN YOUR CAR DOESNT MEAN WE CAN'T SEE YOU PICKING YOUR NOSE!

To the guy in Starbucks who asked me what I was studying: I found it impressive that you had the courage to introduce yourself. You should have asked for my number or a coffee date for the same time next Wednesday.

The majority of you people need professional help. Just lie down on the couch and talk it out.

Why do some girls make their bangs into blankets for their foreheads?

I just saw that we play VT on a Thursday night next season. Can we go ahead and cancel classes for that Thursday and Friday?

The rise in temperature is directly proportional to the amount of skin on display around campus. I love springtime.

You know you're on Facebook too much when a bag of Skittles in you peripherals makes you think you have a notification.

Mee-Chelle, my belle. These are words that go together well!

To the person who tries to cough to hide his fart in class: Please don't stop. It makes my day.

To the guy who said, "Hey, I'll take a hug" to the girl with the free hugs sign: That was adorable.

To the person without a dog that stepped in the pile of dog crap: I know how you feel. My roommate gets out of bed and the dog's whining to go out, gets ready for work (dog's still whining), leaves for work and the dog is STILL whining. My roommate is going to make a GREAT parent one day.

Overly dramatic people are like the boy who cried wolf. Eventually no one cares or believes you, even when it's serious.

Today, I got a text message. It said, "I'm so drunk. What you up to, girl?" It was my dad.

I was volunteering at a nursing home and I was calling bingo numbers. One woman stood up and started making noises and I assumed she had won and I started clapping. She then fell on the floor and died of a heart attack. I essentially applauded her death.

I'm not an alcoholic. They go to meetings; I'm a drinker, we go to bars.

I dream of a world where war doesn't exist, the sun shines 90 percent of the time and girls clean their hair out of the showers.

To the ONLY girl who admitted to peeing in a urinal at the "Dating Doctor" presentation: I love you. Marry me, please?

Roses are red, violets are blue; some poems rhyme, some don't.

I should have been brave enough to just ask your name instead of screaming, "I cannot contain my lust!" You probably think I'm a creep now.

The other day I got pulled by a cop. She asked if I'd been drinking. I told her that I don't drink. Her response was, "... but you go to ECU?"

To the girl who slipped while getting off of the treadmill at the gym and quickly sat down trying to play it off: I saw you.

I like going to the grocery store and seeing girls stock up with the 100 calorie pack cookies and muffins. I'm also able to see their ribs through their shirts...yummy oh yum.

You think you're smooth. You think you can play me? Boy, the game has just started, it's definitely not over yet.

Who keeps telling the girls to stop wearing leggings? Ladies, you look good. Please, please keep wearing them. My class attendance depends on it.

Party tip #107: Be careful making out with random girls -- their boyfriend might get his posse to stomp your face in.

When I am walking to class, I secretly race other people on the sidewalk. They have no idea and the best part is, that I always win.