Pirate Rants

Classes are to me as Roger Klotz was to Doug Funny.

To the guy in Jones who used up four washers for one basket of laundry on Sunday: I let the door shut on you on purpose, jerk.

To the guy I saw "Taken" with this weekend: Was that a date?

For V-day, I don't want chocolate, roses or even a boyfriend. I would just like to get slammed up against a wall. Heyo!

I follow girls with nice behinds to class every day! It keeps me motivated to actually GO to class!

To the guy with the video games: I'll be your girlfriend and we can system link our systems.

This is one hell of a way to study ... pass me another beer PLEASE.

I find myself searching for answers to all of life's questions by ripping my bong of knowledge... by the 420th session of contemplation, satisfaction guaranteed!

Next time you think your precious Coach bag (that is probably fake anyway) deserves its own seat on the bus, I am going to punt it out the window.

Dear girl on the NCC bus, why do you insist on drinking Slim Fast every single morning? You weigh like five pounds. That can looks really unhealthy in your hand.

To the girl who's only with her boyfriend until she can find someone better: Your boyfriend knows and he's cheating on you.

They gave out free hugs and free condoms today. What more could I want?

To the guy that takes me out every week and told me the other day that you think you like me and can tell I like you: I don't. I already have a boyfriend; I just like the free food and drinks, not you. Thanks!

Dear Bojangle's, I love the heart shaped biscuits for Valentine's Day. Best holiday idea EVER!

Sorry for all the glances in marketing -- you're just so hot!

Freud had it right. Girls have penis envy. They want my penis.

Samuel Jackson. It'll get ya DRUNK!

What kind of pants do the Mario Brothers wear? Denim, denim, denim.

I love when I stop and talk to girls in the weight room and their boyfriend comes out of nowhere to stand beside them. It does boost my self-esteem a little but I would rather talk to one that is single for a change.

My big sister is a pothead and my little sister is a slut. How did I end up in this family?

I'm auctioning myself off as a Valentine's Day date. Make your bids right here!

Maybe like, um, more people will um, like you if you talked about something, like, that mattered. Like, OK?

To the girls in the miniskirts who decided to lay out in the sun while waiting for the bus outside the Rec Center Friday: You were wearing MINISKIRTS!

How about Weezy Baby getting all those Oscars? We're getting married one day. You wait.

To my friend who was so drunk he crapped himself this weekend: EPIC!

Dear floppy jalopy, happy second Valentine's Day! Love, your stinky pants lover pot!

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid 25 cents to get fired.

I looked at the Facebook of the girl I really liked, and I saw she wrote on her friend's wall "Last night was the biggest mistake of my life." We hooked up last night.

I feel bad for Michael Phelps ... I smoke before swim class every day!

That ECU alum dude on "The City" wore an ECU shirt on Monday's episode! Go Pirates!

To the cute girl in my ethics class: I hope you are sick and haven't dropped the class because you are the only reason I come to class every day.

The other day I saw a bus driver get a girl's number while driving. Where do I sign up?

Am I weird to tell my boyfriend that I don't want chocolates and flowers? I think they are a waste of money when he could be buying me a toy.

Yay! The heat is coming back which means so does the ridiculous amount of cleavage. Hooray for the sun.

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill.

If you want "easily" earned money, please be a figure drawing model for my art class. Hot boys are a must. I may have been dreaming of a soul mate for about half of my life now with not the slightest luck, but somehow even I manage to enjoy a lonely Valentine's Day. I don't get the people who spit vitriol at it.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! Hoping yours comes with a pleasant surprise!

To my best friend: I like you a lot but I don't want to tell you. Kiss me so that I won't have to say it.

Is it wrong that I think my English teacher sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher when she teaches?

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I don't have eyes for anyone but you.

To the kid who busted ass outside the bathroom at PB's and ruined your white corduroy pants and ran out the back immediately: Thank you.

I counted today and I saw 14 gingers … AHHHHHHHHHH!

To the super hot guy is my psychology class: You are gorgeous and super sweet … Will you please be my Valentine?

I found an artificial fingernail in my dining hall food. I'm never eating there again.

To the person complaining about bubble sheet prices: I feel your pain. After reading your Rant I went to class and apparently had a test. I had no idea, didn't study, didn't have a bubble sheet and had no money to buy one! Thanks to the cashier at the Croatan who gave me a free one!

To the three stupid party girls that never shut up in my intro to comm class: I hope you failed that first test.

Guys: Wallabees and khakis look just as bad as girls wearing leggings and Uggs!

To whoever lives next door to me at University Suites: Please turn your bass off or down because I am tired of hearing through EVERY wall of my apartment, especially at 1:30 in the morning!

Dear "yoga girl," I find it hard to believe you can fail an exercise class for missing one time. I also find it hard to believe that if you had come prepared to the Rec Center, the girl would have denied you entrance. Don't blame your own ill preparedness on someone who is just doing their job.

Don't worry, at least you don't live in Copper Beech and got your car towed. That sucks.

To the guy I "accidentally" hit with my car: I didn't hit you. But now I wish I did!

I was on the Internet with my dad looking up information about allergies. I began to type "allergies" into the Google search box and as I typed 'A' the phrase "amazing sex positions" popped up as a search I had already looked up. My dad asked me if any of the positions worked out.

To all the guys leaving sweet messages to girls through Pirate Rants: Man up and go tell her in person. We aren't mind readers and you'll get no where unless you take the chance.

To the person who wrote the Rant about the NCC Ninja moving to Copper Beech: How do you know? Are you his accomplice? Or just a creeper?

Where are all the geek girls on campus? You know, someone whose ideal date is a Cosplay Convention or a D&D party?

My lover. My friend. My everything. Happy (early) Valentine's Day PT.

To the guy I've been seeing for the past few months: I think I'm falling for you…

To the guy at the Rec wearing the Squeezetoy shirt on Sunday: Very nice.

I thought you were too good to be true, but lately you've been slacking and I've decided that if you don't make some sort of effort pretty soon, I'm going to move on to the next one. He is patiently waiting.

Thank you for the pancakes; they were delicious.

I know I snore pretty badly when I'm drunk. Thank you for cuddling with me anyway.

To the boy mooning people outside of Jones hall today: Nice butt. Can I have your number?

I'm crazy about you baby ... you know who you are.