Pirate Rants

I got kicked out of English the second day of class because my phone beeped, which resulted in an absence for the day, yet my instructor's phone rang the next class, and she just laughed and looked at me! WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!

I love how for my English class we were suppose to read three short stories and the only thing we ended up talking about were the Pirate Rants for that day!

I'm so poor, I'm complaining about bubble sheet prices.

To my chem partner: I think you're adorable, but just when I think we have some chemistry together (get it?) you go and prove me wrong.

If I wasn't such an animal lover, I swear I would kill my roommate's fish just to spite her.

To the girl with the adorable ginger in her class: It's me. I'm single and ready to mingle.

My girlfriend complained that I don't kiss her often enough. The problem is her breath -- it's disgusting. I gently answer: "Well, you don't kiss me often either!" So now she keeps kissing me.

It is definitely time to find new a new boy toy when you stop dressing up to go see them.

VROOM, VROOM PARTY STARTER!

My teacher said "quick and dirty" the other day and it made me throw up a little.

To the chick at the Student Rec Center at the front desk: Because of you not letting me in, I failed yoga and could be losing my full scholarship ... I hate you.

Sometimes I just want to go up to girls and tell them how beautiful they are.

You know you're in Greenville when girls take their birth control with Bud Light.

Every time I see a child on a leash, a little piece of me dies.

Facebook and napping should be considered valid excused absences.

Who needs TV? I just mute it and listen to my downstairs neighbor scream her head off and fight with her boyfriend.

Why do the sandwich ladies at Todd insist on mixing ruffles with lays? I only want RUFFLES!

FYI: When I was at your party, I peed in your Listerine bottle.

Dear friend, I'm sorry you got a bacterial infection. Stop sleeping around!

To my idiot roommate: Cut your hair … You're making your girlfriend look like a lesbian.

My car got towed while I was being the DD at Copper Beech! How is that fair?!

I need a good lay. Any hunky guys want to help with that?

To the guy who walked into the girl's bathroom in Austin: I loved the little "Oh!" noise you made when you realized your mistake.

If weed makes people so lazy, how did Michael Phelps swim so fast?

Today, I sprayed hair spray under my arms instead of antiperspirant. I didn't realize it until I went to put my shirt on and couldn't raise my arms.

Dear boy from the scene shop, I like you ... A LOT! Will you be my Valentine?

To the girls talking about using Adderall for weight loss: I hope you know Adderall is not a fat burner, it is an anorectic drug. It's made from amphetamine so good luck with your withdrawal!

The good side to smoking: If I'm walking from the library to my car, I'm less likely to get robbed if I have a cig in my hand, because I will burn you!

I got up early, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for school only to step on a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor -- and I don't own a dog.

I can't tell anyone in person because they'll think I'm crazy, but I'm pretty sure a talking duck correctly predicted the future in a dream I had.

To the baseball boy that lifted the 100-pound weight for me around a month ago: Be my Valentine?

Sometimes I feel that we push higher education too much on young students. I worry that eventually, everyone will have a Bachelor's degree, and no one will be able to fix a toilet.

Sexy couple looking for good female third!

To the girl who ate her cookie while waiting for a bathroom stall at Joyner: Gross! It's almost like with each bite, you are tasting everyone's pee and doo!

Last year boys complained about girls wearing sweats. Now they are complaining about girls dressing skanky. No wonder girls don't know what guys want.

To the boy I attacked last Tuesday: I'm sorry. I'm a blackout idiot when I drink too much.

I regret that I didn't give my number out to the nude model that stuck his tongue out at me in Figure Drawing Club. See you next week.

When you threw a Sweet Tart into my beer the other night, did that mean you want me to be your Valentine?

If Greenville gets its own version of "Tool Academy," who would actually admit that they are dating a tool?

All I want for graduation is a Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man from Al Harington's emporium.

Are you sure I'm a tiger? I don't feel very much like a tiger. Maybe I'm just a vicious koala bear.

I don't need the flowers and chocolates. I'm a simple girl, and all I really want is you.