Pirate Rants

We got our cat high the other night. She is a huge pothead now.

To the ginger guy in my class: Gahh, you are adorable!

Don't go threatening people just because you will sleep with someone after two beers and then never want to speak to them again.

When I play doctor, I play to win.

Dear suitemate, your parents are rich and constantly give you money, yet you dress like a homeless person and you're going to insult MY clothes?

In the elevator, you said you wanted to lose weight, yet the elevator took you to the third floor. TAKE THE STAIRS!

The other day, I was at 360. I left my phone and my "Twilight" book at a table and then got some food. When I came back, my phone was still there, but my Twilight book was gone. WTF?

I finally have a boyfriend for Valentine's Day. Man, I hope he has a romantic side.

Just because a girl likes to dress "hot" does not make her a tramp. If you got it, flaunt it. Stop hating.

My girlfriend wanted me to give up video games; I hope she is happy being single.

To the boy who constantly sniffles in my biology class: BUY SOME TISSUES! You are gross!

God bless Adderall -- I'm two sizes smaller! Wait...I mean...I am studying so much harder!

I think sometimes my friend puts herself in dangerous situations just so she can get hurt and have a story to tell me later. It's ridiculous, and she needs to calm that down.

Backne = Back acne = A no-go.

Shawty right there. Yeah, he kinda fly.

To the girl saying chest hair is hot: My man-shag can keep us both warm at night. Marry me?

To whoever said: "WHERE ARE ALL THE HOT ASIAN GIRLS AT?" Well, we're right here at COLLEGE HILL, baby!

Will someone tell the guy in the pink shirt that works at McAlister's: The election is over! Obama won.

To the girls who peed and soaked my entire bed last weekend: I WILL get you back!

Raise your hand if you still got your Bible those guys were handing out on Tenth Street last semester. Just can't seem to throw a Bible away can you?

You don't understand how all us girls can just flaunt who we have slept with? Pretty sure guys have been doing it A LOT longer than girls have.

You know how I know you're gay? You cry when people get a golden ticket on "American Idol."

Whenever I tell people that I'm getting a master's in library science, they ask me if I'm a cat-lady in training.

Yes, you heifer, I will put extra whip on your nonfat sugar-free vanilla latte.

Reality check: I read the "Twilight" novels once. You attended a Harry Potter midnight release party, and obsessively check the Internet for updates on the movie. Am I really the juvenile one?

Beardman, I think I love you.

There is a guy who looks just like young John Lennon in my dorm! Really!

To the person who asked "where's the change:" It'll take more than nine days to fix eight years of damage.

I miss doing crazy accents with my roommate. Doncha know?

To the very sweet girl who let me borrow a pencil the other day: You are absolutely beautiful and I wish I would have said more than thanks. And I hope you did well on that test.

To the single girl looking for a sexy vampire: Does that make you a necrophiliac?

So, my girlfriend fell snowboarding and was excited she might be bleeding. Keeper!

We just blame all our smelly farts on the dog.

To the two girls who pretended to be lesbians in front of the preachers: You are most definitely going to hell. I LOVE IT! I'll see you there!

You hate all my boyfriends. You hate all my girlfriends. My sister thinks that you are in love with me and that you are a lesbian. I just want to know the truth.

I want to kiss you all over. And over again.

I really miss our dog. I think I should have gotten visitation rights before we broke up.

When I'm bored with studying, I color.

So far during my time at ECU, I've seen a cop threaten to kick my roommate in the balls, a police beating on national television and a kid get arrested for a snowball fight. Can anybody say, Rodney King?

Go to YouTube and type in B.Scott. Trust me, you will be hooked on his videos. He is hilarious, cute and oh, so real!

Dear baseball player, thanks for offering to let me out at the Kangaroo where the traffic was so bad.

It's a little creepy that you were staring at that cute girl in the front of the class and DRAWING her! I just hope you didn't show it to her.

I love how Greenville cops will arrest a student for a snowball fight but when they got called to a party they took a celeb-shot and walked away.

I like to go to the library to think. And to take naps.

My geology teacher makes me want to slide down a slide of rusty razor blades and into a pool of rubbing alcohol.

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogy in it!

Blah, blah, blah. Papa Chester's proud of you.

What am I going to do once the Super Bowl is over? Football doesn't start up again until September!

What's a Pirate's favorite type of cookie? Ships Ahoy!

To the girl at Blockbuster looking for "Zach & Miri Make a Porno:" Would you consider making a porno with me?

#17: Be mine, Valentine!

To the beautiful brunette girl with the dark red jacket: You have the prettiest smile I've ever seen. Would you like to go out with me? Check one. Yes____ No____

I think you mistook me saying I was seeing someone for "Please touch me inappropriately." Believe me, there are no underlying messages when I say to leave me alone.

Electrical fire? Since when did bongs need electricity for a wake and bake?

If you're going to have a party, make sure you have a new roll of toilet paper. Us girls can't shake it clean like you can.

Simple Jack is my hero.

I have to put earplugs in every night because the people who live above me in University Manor have sex 24/7.

That Rivers lab assistant is such a stud!

Poor little Tink Tink.

I don't think some people understand sarcasm.

To the girl who did her stretches in front of me at the gym: Thank you. You're welcome back anytime.