Pirate Rants

I'm really sad Bon Qui Qui didn't make the YouTube list..."RUDE!"

To the girls in White who take the elevator to the third floor: THAT IS SO LAZY! Take notes from the second floor guys and take the stairs!

I would go to church on Sunday but it's $3 LITs on Saturday! Please forgive me Jesus. Maybe I'll give it up for Lent.

I think I am going to get a star tattoo...nobody has one of those!

Dude, your ear gauges smell.

To whoever hires the dump truck and Pepsi drivers that back up to my dorm every morning at 6 a.m.: FIRE THEM before I start throwing things out the window at them!

For sale: A roommate who doesn't shower but maybe once a week, doesn't clean or do laundry. Please contact me ASAP--I'm up for a trade or even giving it away free.

When Obama was inaugurated, the dining halls made cupcakes with American flags on them--and they were chocolate. How symbolic. I love me a little chocolate.

If my math professor keeps backing into and tripping over that cart, I'm gonna move it to the back of the room and see if he just falls.

I would totally date you if you stopped stalking me on Facebook. Every time I log in, you wanna chat with me immediately. Why can't you just text me like a normal guy?

Single girl looking for a sexy vampire; you know where to find me!

My roommate put her clean laundry on her bed that has throw-up on the sheets. I think that defeated the purpose.

OK, the price of gas is slowly going up again, businesses are folding and people are losing their homes and jobs. So where's all the change that's supposed to be happening?

How did the Pirate raise his mast? He used a wench. Hah!

Is it really necessary for you to be that ridiculously gorgeous all the time?

WHERE ARE ALL THE HOT ASIAN GIRLS AT?

Wow, there are some uptight people that go here. Take a chill pill. It's not that serious.

I like him A LOT, but he sucks at kissing. What do I do?

STALLIONAAAAIRES!

If I have to sit beside another sorority girl, I believe I am going to jab a fork into their jugular. Like, OMG!

To the girl on my floor in Greene that wears skirts all the time: When you walk, it reminds me of a mix between my grandma and a penguin.

Ladies, please take this advice from personal experience. Hot baseball players are not as good in bed as they look.

ECU needs to establish a winery around here for winos like myself.

To the girl that lives above me: Please stop banging on your keyboard and attempting to sing opera insanely loud all the time. You are so annoying. And, you suck.

I've dropped drinking and dating and picked up cross-stitching and "Gossip Girls."

Meet me in Montauk: Feb. 13 at Town Commons.

To the hot girls with fake tans that walk around the track of the Student Rec Center while I play basketball: Thank you! Dear fat people that live in the apartment above mine, could you find a more appropriate time to play "Dance Dance Revolution" instead of 1 a.m.?

To the woman who retrieved my forgotten gloves from the bus shelter and brought them to me on the bus: THANK YOU.

Is it just me, or are all the girls here either too slutty, too irresponsible or too already-have-a-boyfriend?

I can't wait to leave Greensboring this weekend and come party at G-Vegas, baby!

You can dye your hair brown all you want, you'll always be a blonde whore!

ECU made the national news twice. Both incidents students were arrested. I wasn't arrested on either occasion. Yet, I was there for all the fun. Seems if you're smart and don't antagonize cops, you won't get touched.

I wish you would transfer back to where you came from. How come whenever I'm walking to College Hill everyone always looks away when I say "hey?" I'm not Satan!

I think McDonald's should deliver. Pitt County would cut their DUI's in half.

To the girl that puked in the back of Safe Ride Saturday night: Go see your local doctor, the smell was NOT normal.

Hi, I'm a Facebookaholic.

It was freezing downtown and you still had on your short dress. No, thanks, I'll get the number of the girl that had the coat on. Her conversations will probably have less "likes" and "OMGs" in them.

I hate thinking about getting a real job when I graduate because it means I'll have to give up my black nail polish and emo style.

So I decided to try something new this year. My resolutions are to eat more chocolate, exercise less and procrastinate. I'm doing really well so far!

It's not personal. I just don't like you.

I like my men like I like my cars: fast and efficient.

Since Cocoa Puffs make normal milk chocolate, I thought they might turn chocolate milk normal. Instead, it just turned my body diabetic.

The moment I realized I would never become a doctor--I remember doing poorly on a physiology exam--learning the hard way that joint fluid is not at all similar to bong water.