Pirate Rants

Ladies, listen up: I know it's not your fault, but some people aren't meant to wear booty shorts.

Nice guy looking to settle. Any ladies done with their one night encounters?

It's not OK that you hit a girl and got away with it, which is why I peed in a cup and poured it all over your apartment door.

It's really funny that you lock your door because you think that us "psycho roommates" are going to mess with your things while you're gone. Stop giving yourself so much credit--nobody cares about you or wasting their time to make your life miserable. You're doing a pretty good job of that all by yourself.

Why come to class if you're just going to leave early? You know the teacher is crossing your name off the attendance sheet and not giving you credit, right? She may be old but you can't fool her!

I guess I missed the memo that shirts should be worn as dresses and that these "dresses" should be worn with no panties. Thanks girls at Rumors for catching me up.

Dear roommate, I'm sorry you can't bake your bread for dinner anymore because I took out all the pots, pans and dishes that were mine because you don't know how to pick up after yourself. Remember. I'm not your mother.

Attention ladies: Do you see how ridiculous the new PeeDee looks? Well, newsflash! Your tan is worse than his!

"Arrgh" has become the most common used word in my vocabulary.

I can't believe all the complaining! It's college for crying out loud! You are at the best point of your lives...just get the grades and party! The real world starts if and when you graduate!!

Is it weird that I'd go gay for Claudio Sanchez?

I'd like a diamond for Christmas. Not an engagement ring...just a diamond.

Everyone in our circle of friends knows that you wrote that awful Rant about her, and it didn't make you look any cooler. P.S. She wants her chemistry book back.

If all the girls in our dorm complain about how much you smell, how do you not notice it?

I love spitting in your cereal bowl when you're not paying attention.

Is it considered a date if you pay with Pirate Bucks?

To the girls that live on the fifth floor of Fletcher: are all of you bulimic? If so, you could do a better job of hiding the evidence. It's not that hard to flush the toilet.

I found your iPhone on the bus. I sold it and bought a dog!

If you start a bottle, you gotta FINISH IT!

I love how your eyes squint when you smile.

I've discovered that when 80 proof vodka starts to taste like water--it's a pretty good sign that you should STOP drinking it. Or, in my case, continue drinking and obtain mysterious bruises.

Can we make ribbons for STD awareness so that I can be aware and avoid them?

One of my best friends asked if it was bad that she likes being a slut. My response: if you love being a slut as much as I love doing drugs, then I see no problem with it!

To the person who said they're glad they we're raised in the South because "now they have morals:" oh, yeah, Southerners are the only people in the WORLD with morals! Do you know the Bible actually preaches against being an egotist? You really must be a blind idiot.

I would rather get my hair stuck in a vacuum, ripped out, get attacked by a killer llama and get hit by a short bus than go to my geology and math classes. Ugh.

To my fat, nasty, rude roommate: Every time I see you come out of your room to go eat it makes me sick. Get some friends and quit being a jerk! I also want to push you on the ground and see how much you have to roll around and how long it will take you to get up. I wasn't gonna be mean, but you started it.

I would love it if Obama and McCain were some major jewel thieves!

To the girl and guy that had spontaneous sex in the Bate bathroom last Tuesday: you're disgusting!

I dread the day that I am deathly ill because I know the Student Health Center won't be able to fit me in until the following week.

I wish I could indulge in polygamy.

I think it's funny that our friendship ended due to a combination of backstabbing and Pirate Rants!

I love how the Facebook English (Pirate) turns "___ is in an open relationship" to "____ is a saucy wench!"

In North Carolina, while having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled; you can't use elephants to plow cotton fields; it's against the law to sing off key; and any persons in possession of illegal substances must pay taxes on them.

ECU should put a giant Pirate ship playground in the middle of the mall! Who doesn't love playgrounds?!

To my boyfriend who kicked me out the other night: Good luck getting laid from now on.

You pee on your roommate's toothbrush? I use my roommate's toothbrush to clean my bong!

How to make grape drink: water, sugar, purple.

To the guy who is peeing as often as a pregnant female: you might wanna get that checked out!

To the girl with the fake tan and peroxide who won't give me the time of day: I still think you're pretty hot. I love plastic people.

Did anyone else see Lil' Wayne wearing Chris Johnson's jersey while performing with Kid Rock at the COUNTRY music awards?

I can sneak into almost any residence hall without being stopped. Thank goodness I'm only a student, and not some psycho killer.

We pay ECU so much money. You would think that they would buy buses that didn't leak on everyone when it rains.

The people at Destination 360 are so lazy. Try putting in a little effort every once in a while!

Your girlfriend looks like Mr. Rogers. Don't get mad either. You're the one who picked her.

Why isn't there a pub on campus? Aren't we Pirates?

If you can't fit into your clothes, don't just "force it" to look skinnier. The budging seams tell the true story.

The only reason I gave you my number was so you would go away. I now realize that was a mistake. Please stop blowing up my phone. I will kill you.

Guitar solo!!! Wah, widdala-wahhhhhh wah wah wahhhowwww wahdada wahhhhhh woooooooooowahh wedilawahhhhhh wahhh wowwww! widalawahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhowww.

The new PeeDee looks like he enjoys getting plundered by other Pirates all the time.

To the girl in my music class with the little doll that you keep on your book when you are taking notes: That is a little creepy.

Idea: Take PeeDee's old head and PeeDee's new body and make that the "new" PeeDee!

I think we should all buy a rake and make the biggest leaf pile ever made on the mall. How awesome would that be?

I'm not going to compete with another guy for your attention so you can feel good about yourself.