Pirate Rants

Sometimes when I'm walking to class, I rate people on their general level of attractiveness on a scale of one to five.

Attention to all skateboarders: You guys are sexy! Keep it up!

To the girl who's always getting it on every night on the eighth floor of White: Please go to his house and do it so I can get some sleep!

Why can't we call our bus line "Pirate Ships" instead of ECU Transit?

To the dude who hit that girl at PB's on Tuesday night: YOU ARE A SCUM BAG!

And who cares about tomorrow? Girl, what more is tomorrow than another day?

Are there any other male vegetarians? Or am I alone?

If my plant dies because the room is at 64 degrees all the time, I'm going to throw some of my roommates textbooks in the dumpster.

Your obsession with Disney is the reason you don't have a boyfriend.

I wear my roommate's clothes when he is out of town, just to cut down on the laundry.

Next time an idea comes to mind, keep it to yourself.

I love it when someone responds to a Pirate Rant that probably wasn't about them in the first place! Gotta love that guilty conscience. Ha!

To the girl that said she was going to have my lovechild: Let's get started!

To whoever pooted the stink bomb in line at the polls: I WAS there, and apology NOT accepted. I threw up in my mouth. Twice.

Why does fate give us lemons? Why can't she just give us five bucks?

Where are all the Latinas? I need some spice in my life!

I hope the student body starts to drop like the flies on those bug lamps. I need classes and people are in my place!

I love the ridiculous state laws. In one state, it's against the law for a man and woman to ride an ugly horse.

Smile! You're a Pirate!

Do you read the Pirate Rants? Obviously not! You are still telling every professor we have, that they are sooooo profound. STOP, it's so annoying!

"Maybe" = Yes. "I'll see" = No.

Come to the dark side ... We have cookies!

Do work!

To the guy who lives above me at North Campus Crossing: Stop stomping like an elephant and try to pee a little quieter! It's disturbing.

I don't know if I should be happy or sad. I got pulled over by a cop because I did not look old enough to drive!

I don't know how to tell my roommate that I'd rather gouge my eyes out with spoons than live with her again next year.

Thanks for taking my wet clothes out of the dryer and putting your own in to dry ... cause you know I love to wear wet clothes in the cold weather. Wow, pretty ridiculous if you ask me.

I think the reason we are not allowed to have hamsters in the dorms is because they like to run and hide. You can't find them, they die and you still can't find them ...

Dear neighbor: You DON'T live here, so if you're going to be pessimistic and an overall downer, don't bother coming over. OK, thanks.

I almost got hit by a car today while walking through the parking lot because I was reading my boyfriend's Pirate Rant that made the paper!

To my roommate: You are ALWAYS in the room. Get a life outside of our dorm room and give me some space once in awhile! And stop hogging our TV!

To the person whose jeans I took from the Belk dryer: Good luck getting them back, I already sold them on eBay!

To the 300 people I skipped in line to get a ticket: It was so worth it and I'll probably do it again.

Why doesn't rack 'em Willie live in Greenville? My life would be complete if I could personally see him sing "Poison Ivy" to me.

My roommate is too incompetent to remember to shut the front door to our apartment whenever she leaves. Next time I walk downstairs and the door is wide open, I'm going to break her nose.

Every time I get to the last page of Rants I feel like someone kicked my dog.

To the girl in the computer lab: I will be there next Tuesday, and I will ask for your number!

To the artificially tan and blonde girl in my psychology class: I just wanted to let you know ... you talk too much. The next time you don't get the subtle hints and continue to talk, I am going to embarrass you in front of the entire class. I promise.

To the girl at the Lupe concert who I'm pretty sure was wearing flip-flops: I'm the short guy with spiky hair that stepped on your feet ... SORRY!

I'm so sick of cleaning up after my roommates that I peed on there toothbrushes.

Since Pirate Rants are so anonymous: Haha! I did it! I did! I GOT KETCHUP ON YOUR CHANEL PURSE and you will NEVER KNOW MY NAME!

WZMB 91.3FM Radio is having a can food drive and a teddy bear drive from now until December! Come by the station in Mendenhall's basement during business hours and make someone else happy this holiday season with your generous donation!

The two ladies that work in the hall at the Registrar's Office need to get raises. Those women are magical!

North Carolina may be blue but Greenville will always be purple and gold!

Attention all teachers: Your class is not my only class and my life does not revolve around your class--so please don't think that it does.

Burger King has a crown. Taco Bell needs a sombrero.

To the girl who doesn't want to shave her armpits: Please don't! I'm into that sort of thing!

If you don't stop being such a backstabber, I am going to tell your dad about the abortion you just got.

Actually, leggings are sexy! Well ... on some girls.

To the girls in the gym that I always see there around dinnertime and never in the dining hall: No wonder why your work out plan works so well --YOU NEVER EAT!

To the boy who saw me trip down the stairs leading up to College Hill: Thank you for trying to not laugh right in my face.

To all the ginger boys out there: I think I am in LOVE with you!

Please tell us the new Pee Dee was just a big joke. Please ...

Bush has higher approval ratings than the new Pee Dee in the Pirate Nation.

Dear Boyfriend, I know you read Pirate Rants all the time, so I just want to let you know: You told me you loved me. I told you I was pregnant. Now you're ignoring my calls. Well, NEWS FLASH: Get ready to pay child support for the next 18 years of your life!

Fight cancer: JOIN RELAY FOR LIFE!

I want to go around and take pictures with all the statue pirates around Greenville. Who wants to go with?

I have to lock my bedroom door every time I leave my apartment because I have this strange feeling my psycho roommate plans to go in my room and do something to my stuff.

Since I have been living in my apartment--without a job--I have lost almost 10 pounds due to the fact that I can't buy groceries.

Whadayaknow! Even Pee Dee tans!

To the girl who fell near the railroad tracks before the Marshall game: You can thank me for helping you up.

To the girl that fell behind the big booth in the front of Boli's at the window: Yeah, that was my roommate, and I was the girl laughing hysterically.