Help wanted

Have you ever watched the ECU football team run onto the field amid all the smoke and Hendrix music and wished that you could be down there in the middle of it? Well, here's your chance.

The Pirates' defense has been having some trouble keeping other offenses from completing passes and could use your help.

The first question you may have is, "What kind of experience do I need?"

Ever played monkey in the middle?

If you can understand this concept of getting in between the passer and the receiver, then you would be a welcome addition to this defense.

You may not get to apply this principle much in our scheme, but it is certainly a good piece of knowledge to have.

Now if your area of expertise happens to be in grabbing interceptions or making big hits, then I am afraid this position is not for you.

See, ECU is already stockpiled with players who know how to do that.

No, what the Pirates are looking for is someone who possesses the ability to stick with a receiver or a tight end as he goes through his routes on a consistent basis.

ECU realizes with the current schemes we maintain this will be somewhat hard to do, but for the most part, we have a lot of confidence in what we do.

The Pirates rarely give up a big play (only two or three per game) and the opposing quarterback's accuracy is never 100 percent, which means we must be doing something right.

Right?

Anyway, if ECU is ever going to get to where we want to be as a defense, we are going to need someone who can lock down in pass coverage.

Let me walk you through the Pirates' current pass coverage strategy so those of you that are interested can get a small grasp of what we try to do here.

First, you line up 20 yards off of the receiver that you are assigned to cover.

Once the ball is snapped, you must immediately backpedal to create even more space between you and the receiver.

Once the ball is in the air, you are to patiently wait for the opposing receiver to catch and secure the ball. (You may want to bring a crossword puzzle or Sudoku to work on during times like these.)

Once you are absolutely sure the pass has been completed, you are then allowed to neatly bring the player to the ground.

Under no circumstances are you to ever attempt to step in front of the ball in this situation.

ECU wouldn't want the other team to think we're rude.

And don't even get me started on the perks of coming to play for the Pirates.

You get to travel to exotic locations like Dallas, Memphis, the Kinston Airport and Tulsa.

There is also the possibility of getting to be part of our program for up to six years (trust me, it's happened).

Heck, by that time, Conference USA will probably have members from California, North Dakota and Belarus.

You may be curious as to why ECU would be willing to take applicants at this time. You may even think that the Pirates don't need any help at all.

ECU has had six interceptions in the past two games right?

Well, it turns out that the Pirates have faced two quarterbacks the past two weeks that couldn't throw for 300 yards in a middle school game.

I mean come on, Stevie Wonder could have pointed out to Ray Charles where Central Florida's quarterback was going to throw.

In the weeks that ECU played UNC and West Virginia, the Pirates gave up a combined 619 yards passing.

Not to mention, their quarterbacks were more accurate than a sniper on ADHD medication, completing 78 percent of their passes.

ECU has decided that if we are ever going to repeat as C-USA champions, we need somebody, anybody, who can help us prevent the constant flow of completions that come our way every Saturday.

Maybe that somebody is you.

If this opportunity sounds intriguing to you, do not hesitate.

Come be a part of a defense that can be one of the best in the conference with your help.

Anyone interested can contact any member of the staff prior to this week's game at SMU.

Be sure to hurry because unlike our coverage, this position opening will be closing fast.

This writer can be contacted at sports@theeastcarolinian.com.